our blog has been quiet lately and so has our house. let me start from the beginning so that i can try and honor our little scrappy the best way i know how.
by telling her story. her short, beautiful, redemptive story.
chris and i have been together for 16 years and married for 10 this december. we have always wanted a house full of children and have been trying for the past seven years to start a family. this year has been particularly difficult. aside from all of the negative pregnancy tests month after month, we have also had two different adoptions fall through. we have spent much of this year crying out to God and resigning ourselves to His will. it hasn’t been pretty. surrendering our hearts has looked more like a cage fight. us trying desperately to claw our way out of His grip complete with a shameful display of kicking, screaming and temper tantrums that would rival even the 3 year old divas on toddlers and tiaras. and the creator of the universe trapping us in his unrelenting love, stroking our sweaty, matted hair, soaking up our tears and whispering i love you’s to his broken down children. our crying eventually subsides and our breathing steadies. we collapse in His lap exhausted from the battle and all the while, He never lets go.
we found out that we were pregnant but miscarrying a few weeks ago. we were over the moon that we had finally conceived and heartbroken that it seemed to be over before it even began. five days later, i had to go back to the doctor for some more blood work. it was my birthday and i was standing in dressing room number one at anthropologie. my phone rang and it was my doctor. you are still pregnant he said, which means we think you conceived twins. in that moment, i felt the depth of God’s affection for me in a way that i had never experienced before. He took my breath away as i realized how much He loved me and i will never be the same. i spun around and lifted my shirt to see what pregnant looked like in a full length mirror. i had never felt so beautiful in all my life. this must be how my heavenly Father sees me. i turned for a side view as the doctor continued, based on your blood work and everything we’ve seen, we feel certain that this baby is ectopic (growing in my fallopian tube) which is both unnatural for the baby and life threatening to me. i smiled still. i was growing life. i knew how this was likely to end, but i couldn’t stop beaming for the gift that i had just received on my 35th birthday. i. am. pregnant. you understand that this is not really good news my doctor voiced. i assured him that i understood his words, but could not mask my joy. after 7 years of trying, hoping, wishing, begging, aching, god said yes. i continued staring at my reflection, my hand resting on my flat-ish belly and i knew that this little love was a girl. if you know anything about my husband, you would know that he would never create a baby boy made after his own heart that would try to implant in a place that he wasn’t supposed to. ever. because that’s against the rules and chris never breaks the rules. but a girl like her mama on the other hand..
we prayed for a miracle, that God would just say the word and this baby would be growing safely in my uterus but somehow i knew that wasn’t going to be the case. that i was either going to miscarry this baby on my own or the doctors would have to give me medicine to dissolve the pregnancy in an effort to protect me.
the next week was filled with appointments, daily blood work and ultrasounds to check the baby’s growth and the state of my fallopian tube. my doctor was amazed at how quickly ‘she’ was growing, faster than usual he said. his next words burrowed their way into a deep part of my soul and they grow more beautiful everyday when i go back and visit them. he said, i want you to know, as much as you and chris have been fighting for a baby, this little baby is fighting to stay with you too. he’s a scrappy little thing. she, i thought to myself, she’s a scrappy little thing. i could not stop crying and smiling. oh, the privilege of housing this little miracle.
this past sunday night, i felt the first signs of my body beginning to betray me. again. i climbed into bed hoping that by lying down i could somehow hold this life inside of me for just awhile longer. i couldn’t. instead, i cried and let the familiar arms of a boy that truly understands this kind of hurt hold me. we thanked god for his goodness. for giving us to each other. for allowing us to be fully present in this short time of being pregnant. for mercifully allowing us to experience real joy in the midst of such sadness. for giving us a little fighter, possibly even two. oh, how He loves us.
you’re the best mama, chris said and my heart twisted. i loved hearing him call me that sacred name. we snuggled in close and talked about how we’d be racing to get to heaven because we both wanted to hold scrappy first and then we prayed that the doctor was right and that there’d be two, because i’m pretty sure it’s against the rules to fistfight in the kingdom.
i rolled over and kissed the lips of my little scrappy’s daddy and fell asleep dreaming of heaven.
happy. content. grateful.
He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. colossians 1:17
Im so sorry.
by jen
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