i’m going to get right to the point because this isn’t the kind of news you can hold in for very long.
12 days ago, after a night of no sleep, chris and i grabbed a coffee and hopped in the pathfinder to make the drive to pick up our daughters. i love saying that, our daughters. we had only met them two days before but as soon as my eyes caught their first glimpse of my girls, i knew that i was born to be their mama.
we’re still in the process of adopting them out of foster care and so we’re choosing not to share their names just yet, but we will soon. the last two weeks have been the best and hardest days of our lives. i struggle with how to describe what it’s been like for our family because i don’t think exposing the girls’ brokeness in specific ways is honoring to them. we’re living in the tension of wanting so badly to give them all that we have and sometimes feeling like we have nothing at all to offer their little, hurting hearts.
this is little sister, she’s 3. i feel so honored and yet so ill equipped to mother her. she is just about the cutest nugget i’ve ever seen. she rubs my face when she talks to me and i melt. every morning as the sun is taking it’s time to rise up she tiptoes into our room to ask, mama, is it wake up time? she’s petite and feisty and she makes me laugh until my stomach hurts every day. we are finding our way together her and i.
big sister is 5. she’s wispy and sensitive and the bravest girl i’ve ever met. she loves it when i tell her that. she likes ballet and breakdancing and talking like a pirate and her toothfairy’s name is bianca sparklewings. she’s smart and tenacious and when i tuck her into bed she insists on 22 kisses. i happily oblige.
it has all been orchestrated so perfectly for my girls and i but the tears still flow down my cheeks. tonight i held big sister as she cried for the woman who birthed her. i whispered in her ear that i love her, that she’s safe, that i am here to stay, that i will never leave her and i wonder if she will ever believe me.
sometimes it’s really hard, but most of the time, we’re getting to know our precious girls and giving them the space to get to know us. learning little things about them like their favorite colors, big sister’s is blue and little sister’s is ‘lellow’. and important things like how little sister prefers to eat cinnamon toast crunch for breakfast while big sister likes a smoothie. we’ve been spending our days having dance parties and reading stacks of books, going to the park, build-a-bear and tcby. my favorite moments have come when i hear a voice yelling ‘mama’ and i realize that it’s me they’re wanting.
so yeah, it’s been difficult and we’ve all cried happy and sad tears more times than i can count. but even during the loudest tantrums, i am overflowing with absolute joy.
because even when it’s hard, it’s so very beautiful.
by jen
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