a love like this

dear big sister,

i love you. i just wanted to start by telling you that because although it’s not an original sentiment, it’s truer than anything else i can think to write. the other day was hard. you didn’t like the breakfast i chose for you or the dress i picked out and the shoes that were your favorites yesterday suddenly hurt your feet. i asked you for a hug and you said no thank you, i asked you to brush your teeth and you said you didn’t want to. then you spit toothpaste down the cabinet door. when i tried to brush your hair as gently as I could, you spun around and yelled that I was hurting you. as I was putting on your jacket, you said that you wished daddy was walking you to school instead of me. i sighed exhausted from our morning and neither of us said a word. we just stared at each other neither one of us willing to break eye contact. you and me, we’re stubborn like that. and that’s when i saw it in your eyes. are you mad at me, i asked? no. sad about something? no. do you know why you are being so mean to me this morning? i already knew the answer but i asked anyway. maybe i was hoping for something different to come out of your mouth. tears filled your eyes until your lids were unable to hold the water in any longer. i miss her, you said and sometimes when i miss her so much, i get mad at you. your little hands covered your face and you collapsed into my lap. your sniffles were quiet but your body shook as i held your perfect, tiny self close to mine. i didn’t know what to say so i didn’t say anything. i just kept kissing the top of your head over and over and rubbing your back. after a while, i whispered that i was sorry you were sad and that it was ok that you were. that i wish i could make it better for you but i just can’t. i reminded you that there is enough room in your heart for both of your mamas, that you never have to pick. we talked about your mom and all of the things you missed about her. yes, I do think that you look alike. she’s beautiful, just like you. the words felt heavy coming out of my mouth even though a little grin pushed through on yours. sometimes it happens that way, one heart breaks at the exact moment another is getting stitched back together. your heart is beautiful to me.

you are the child i ached over, the child i cried over and the child i wanted and waited seven years for. you were worth all of it – just as you are right now in this moment. your olive skin red and blotchy.  your eyes searching mine to see if i might be angry –  i assure you that i’m not. that i’ve actually never loved you more. never been able to see myself so clearly in someones else. never felt more like your mama. your pain uproots me and my heart is forever yours. god knew what he was doing when he gave us to each other. like you, i’m intimately acquainted with the kind of hurt that lingers. the kind that requires you to trust and to just wait. i know that it can’t be brushed to the side or hurried through. forgive me when i try to rush your pain. as long as it takes, i’ll wait. because i’m your mama and loving you is my favorite thing to do.

xoxo.

we had such a good morning filled with paper heart trails that led to special treats, friends over for heart shaped pancakes, pink milk with heart straws and lots of kisses. and then we sent our little lovelies skipping off to school to hand out their valentines.

**sidenote: the lollipop stick on big sister’s valentine was intended to go over the top of the picture so that the bottom of the stick would look like it was in her left hand. but, because of her squatty position the stick made it look like she had a….well, an extra body part. not cool. so, we had to make some adjustments.:)

happy valentine’s day.